Slughorn's Date with Destiny
by A-Sluggish-Memory
Summary: Slughorn's Date with Destiny is a story which gives humour to Harry Potter. It is set in the 'Half-Blood Prince' era. Starring Horace Slughorn!
1. Destiny Sluggish

Slughorn's Date with Destiny

It was late morning after Transfiguration when Harry decided to give another shot at getting the memory out of Slughorn. With no plan in mind at all, Harry simply walked straight to Professor Slughorn's Office to ask him about Horcruxes. On the way he past Ginny and Dean and they were fighting in the middle of the Transfiguration courtyard. Harry smiled to himself but then thought, 'No! She's Ron's sister!' Even if Ginny and Dean did break up, Harry had no chance with her. Forgetting all this, he approached Slughorn's office and knocked on the large wooden door. Harry could hear footsteps and then Slughorn spoke.

'Who's there?' Slughorn sounded slightly nervous and Harry could tell he was in a rush.

'It's me Professor,' Harry said to the door. 'I was wondering if I could ask you about-'

'Sorry Harry,' Slughorn exclaimed. 'I am extremely busy and I need to get back to work. Goodbye.'

Harry could hear Slughorn locking the door and wobbling away to the other side of his office. Harry thought about how Dumbledore was disappointed last time Harry had failed to retrieve the memory so Harry picked up his wand and whispered, 'Alohomora'. The door creaked open to reveal a strangely beautiful Professor Slughorn inside.

'Professor?' Harry said. He stared at his Potions master in a way Hermione would stare at Ron and Lavender snogging.

'Merlin's beard Harry! What are you doing inside my office? I specifically told you to leave!' Slughorn's face had gone a deep shade of red and Harry could understand why.

Slughorn was wearing a magnificent long dress in the brightest shade of pink and a sliver rope tied around his waist. His hat was deep purple lined with a gold trimming and he was wearing a long black wig. By the looks of it, Slughorn was in the middle of doing his makeup, as there was a long line of lipstick just under his cheek. (He must have got distracted when someone had walked into his office unannounced)

'Er, Sir?' Harry's face now shared the same red colour as Slughorn's and they looked right into each other's eyes.

'Harry,' Professor Slughorn sighed and then proceeded to talk again. 'I think I'm gay.'

'Well I can see that Sir!' Harry's face had a slight smirk on it, but mostly it was utter disgust.

'Harry,' Slughorn told him. 'Please do not call me sir. My new name is Madam Destiny Sluggish.' Slughorn looked slightly proud now as he stood there in his silk dress.

'Sir, I mean- madam? Are those well, real?' Harry pointed to the top of Slughorn's dress where two large, round lumps sat.

Slughorn's eyes widened. He looked like he was about to strike Harry across the face. 'Of course they are, you silly boy!' The potions master began to stomp over to Harry but tripped over an old cauldron. As he did, two oranges rolled out from his dress and then over to Harry. Harry shuddered.

'When did this all start?' Harry looked at Slughorn waiting for an answer, he looked down on the oranges, then over to a box marked, 'PINK SILK DRESS' and then back to Slughorn. He spoke.

'Well,' He began. 'The other day when I was on a date with Pomon- I mean, Professor Sprout, she-'

Harry looked shocked. 'Wait a minute Professor. Why did you go on a date with Professor Sprout?'

'Well Harry my boy, you see, I'm not getting any younger. I need some excitement in my life!' Harry was still confounded with his Cross-dressing Professor, but nodded to let him continue. 'Now, back to the story! Professor Sprout and I were in the Herbology greenhouse having a wonderful time when she proceeded to kiss me,' Ignoring Harry's gasping, he continued. 'I backed away, I don't know why. I ran out of the Greenhouses and down to the Potions room and began to cry. It was then when I realised I was gay.

Harry looked as shocked as ever. His own potions master was a Cross-dressing, gay cry-baby? Though Harry still had questions needed to be answered before he left. 'Sir, I mean Madam. Why did you decide to dress like this?'

Slughorn looked dreamingly into the air. 'Ah! It was that very next day when I was strolling through the corridors of Hogwarts when I saw someone. This person was wonderful, irresistible, we stared into each other's eyes and we knew it was love at first sight. I just had to impress him!'

Harry was really scared now. Who was it that Slughorn thought was so great? It could have been anyone. Peeves? Snape? Dumbledore? Harry's mind was whirring and he now wanted to leave this awkward situation. At that very moment, there was a knock at the door. Seeing Slughorn had now transformed into a silky pink armchair, Harry proceeded to open the door. Harry could hear a distant Slughorn say, 'That will be him now.' Harry reached out and opened the door and saw the man standing there. His long hair was gelled right back and he was wearing a dark brown suit. He was holding bright pink flowers that matched Slughorn's dress and in the other hand was a small velvet box.

'FILCH!?' Harry screamed. 'Your mystery date is Filch.' Harry looked up and down the smiling Filch and then at the silky, pink armchair in the corner of the room. 'What do you see in Filch!?' Harry asked, sounding angry and worried at the same time.

Slughorn, still as an armchair began to list all the wonderful things about Filch. As he went on, Harry's face was getting more and more horrified and Filch's face was getting more and more delighted. '-and,' Slughorn finished. 'He has the most beautiful smile.' Harry looked over at Filch, who was now showing off his ugly, toothy grin. Harry began to walk away slowly, as he saw the last few words they spoke to each other.

'I bought these for you, Destiny.' Filch gave off a high pitched giggle and presented the flowers to Slughorn. 'l also bought ya' these!' Filch opened the velvet box to reveal a pair of diamond earrings. Slughorn smiled greatly.

'Get over her Argus, you Naughty boy!' Argus strutted over to the pink armchair, ripped his tie and shoes off and jumped face down into the chair. 'Oh you are the living end!' Slughorn let off a scream similar to the one given by Filch earlier. Of course, by this time, Harry had already run off from shock, straight to Dumbledore's office, shuddering all the way there.

Harry recited the password, 'Rainbow Gumdrops' to the gargoyle and as it opened he wondered by Dumbledore had changed his password to something so, well, girly!

'Sir! Sir!' Harry was still in shock when he spoke to the headmaster. 'You would never guess what I just saw!' So Harry told the headmaster the whole story about Slughorn while he listened to Harry's every word. He seemed especially interested when he found out that Slughorn was gay. After Harry had finished, Dumbledore gave Harry a warm hug and a small kiss on his head (Which Harry found quite disturbing). Harry left the office as Dumbledore stared at him leaving.

'Oh Horace,' Dumbledore said to himself. 'I always wondered about our summer of '75 we spent together, now it all makes sense. I could have taken you all along.' Dumbledore sighed as he looked at a picture of him and Slughorn so many years ago and then gave a slight giggle as he proceeded as normal again.


	2. A Date with Filch

A Date with Filch

A week had passed since Harry was scarred for life at the sight of Filch and 'Destiny' together. Potions were not the same anymore as all Slughorn talked about Filch plus he was still wearing his women's attire, at least he had the Weasley's Christmas dinner to look forward to. Constantly through the lesson, Slughorn was receiving notes from Filch via Mrs Norris, who crept down to the dungeon and into the Potions room to give Slughorn his notes. He would often read them out loud to the class, who just like Harry, shuddered to the thought of Filch and Slughorn. Some of the Slytherin students even made of cruel names for the Professor, such as Fughorn or Sluggy Duggy. One afternoon Slughorn decided to write a poem for Filch entitled "FIlchy Wilchy, my favourite man."

_Filchy Wilchy_

_Filchy Wilchy, how kind you are,_

_Your beautiful eyes and legs and hair._

_FIlchy Wilchy, I love you so much,_

_Filch, Wilchy, my favourite man!_

The whole class sighed at the fact that it didn't make sense, and it didn't rhyme. Though Slughorn ignored them and continued to write. It was later in that lesson when Slughorn got another message from Filch, asking him out on a date.

_Dear Destiny,_

_I would just love it if you could join me for dinner tonight. I decided we would take a picnic on the Quidditch Pitch. I'll meet you there at 7pm. _

_Sincerely,_

_Argus Filch_

_PS- I love you Destiny!_

'Oh isn't this exciting children!' Slughorn said, waving his wand in the air. He twirled around in his pink dress and clapped his hands quickly. 'Oh goody! Ok students, you may take the rest of the lesson off. Off you go now!' As the students left the room, Slughorn skipped over to his mirror and began to put his earrings on.

'Er- Professor,' Harry stuttered. There's that quidditch holiday club tonight, I don't think you'll be able have your picnic anymore.' Slughorn had just finished putting on his left earring and was now standing still as a statue. He sighed, and then dropped the purple clutch bag he was holding. 'No!' Tears began to stream down Slughorn's face. 'No! I was so looking forward to it. Argh!' Slughorn slapped Harry and bit his lip. Harry looked at his potions master angry and eager for answers. 'Oh I am so sorry my boy.' Slughorn bowed his head.

'Professor?' Harry began. 'How would it be, if you and Filch joined me at the Weasley's tonight? I'm sure Mrs Weasley won't mind.' What did Harry just say? Him, The Weasley's, Members of the Order, all there watching Slughorn and Filch stare at each other. Though it was too late now, he had already invited him. 'I'll see you at the burrow tonight at 6:30, you can tell Filch. Cya tonight Sir, er, Madam.'

Later that night at the Burrow, Harry was telling everyone about who was coming.

'What!'

'Who!'

'When!'

'Why!'

'Filch!'

'I'll make more potatoes then!'

Mrs Weasley hurried back to the kitchen and began chopping potatoes while the rest of the guests sat down at the table. It was no more than one hour later when the couple arrived. When the knock of the door was heard, Mr Weasley got up and out of his chair and walked over to the door. Once he opened it, he could see Filch and Slughorn holding hands and giggling to each other. Filch was in his usual brown suit while Slughorn had a brand new dress on. Unfortunately, this dress was very revealing. It was a bright buttercup yellow and only came up to just above Slughorn's knees. The dress' neckline was very low, and by the looks of it, he had another pair of oranges in his dress. He also had a new wig, a short blonde bob, as well as a pair of silver hoop earrings.

'Well, hello Horace, I mean Destiny.' Mr Weasley shook Slughorn's hand nervously and then turned to Filch. 'Nice to see you again Argus!' With Filch following behind, Slughorn walked over to the table in his high heels and took a seat. To Harry's dismay, he was placed in between Filch and Slughorn. They often both held hands under him and blew kisses to each other. One Time Filch accidently put his hand on somewhere on Harry that made Harry jump into the air and spill his pumpkin juice. Though it wasn't just Harry, Harry looked around the table and saw the guests reactions as Filch and Slughorn were flirting. The twins were holding a box of Fever fudge and trying to put some on Filch's plate, Tonks and Lupin were asleep in each other's arms, Luna, who Harry had invited since her father was away, was tapping merrily and telling Mad Eye Moody about how she thinks Aurors are trying to bring down the Ministry using Dark magic and gum disease. Mrs Weasley was staring right at Filch and Mr Weasley was staring at Slughorn. The only people who seemed to be listening were Ron and Hermione, who were trying to get Harry out this awkward situation, making up excuses like, 'Harry, I think it's time to brush your teeth' or 'Harry, you better go check on your Pineapple Upside-down cake, it might of burned.'

After dinner and Filch's awful joke about the Vampire, Mrs Weasley put on an old record by Celestina Warbeck. Most of the guests got up and then sat back down near the fireplace. Luna however, decided to get up and dance by herself.

'Why does she do that?' Asked Filch, who was now staring at the girl who was dancing wildly on the Weasley's rug.

'She's probably trying to get rid of a Wrackspurt.' Harry said to Filch.

'Ah,' Said Filch. 'I see.'

With this, Slughorn got up and grabbed Filch to get him to dance. They were dancing rather close and it looked like they were about to kiss.

'Do you see what they're doing!' Harry asked to Hermione and Ron.

'I think it's fine Harry. If it makes them happy. ' Answered Hermione.

Luna stopped dancing and turned to the trio. 'You're not going mad. I can see them, too. You are just as sane as I am.'

Filch stepped up to the fireplace and began talking. 'Okay everyone! I have an announcement! 'Filch gave off another one of his high pitched giggles and starting talking again. 'Destiny and I are getting married.' Slughorn laughed and walked over to Filch.

'I know it's a bit soon, but Filchy and I were just made for each other!' Slughorn exclaimed, showing everyone the diamond ring he had received off Filch. He began to get closer to Filch; he rubbed his hand down his leg. They hugged each other and began to-.

'Okay! Time for bed everybody.' Mrs. Weasley had just finished up clearing the table when she walked in. 'I think it's best you two be going now. Goodbye!' Mrs. Weasley pushed the embracing couple through the door and slammed it shut.

'Well that was fun,' Luna said. 'It's like having friends.


	3. Mrs Norris' Revenge

Mrs. Norris' Revenge

Autumn was passing quickly for Slughorn, who was busy preparing his wedding. Finally, when he was ready, he sent out the invitations.

_To whom in may concern, _

_You are formally invited to attend the wedding of Argus Filch and Horace Slughorn._

_When: 29__th__ November_

_Where: The Great Hall, Hogwarts_

_Yours sincerely,_

_Argus Filch and Horace Slughorn_

Then, at last, the day had finally arrived. Harry walked into the Great hall and was surprised to see that it looked really nice. The ceiling was bewitched to make it look like flower pettles were falling from the sky and the hall was covered in beautiful white silk. Harry walked down the red velvet rug through the many tables and he noticed a few familiar faces. His old Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge was there wearing a dress that looked similar to Slughorn's pink dress. He also saw a Mundungus Fletcher, trying to put Professor Flitwick into a shoebox, running away and leaving an unsuspecting Hagrid to sit on it. He took his place next to Slughorn as his bridesmaid, along with Snape. Snape's face was pure disgust as he looked at Harry, both of them wearing matching purple dresses, which were greatly revealing. 'Why?' Harry mumbled to himself. 'Why did Slughorn get us to be bridesmaids instead of best men! Geez!' Snape was still wondering why Slughorn chose him as a bridesmaid, but thought he looked kind of sexy in his dress. The school choir began to sing 'Here comes the Bride' as Harry's potions master began to walk down the aisle. He was wearing a large white wedding dress and Harry swore he could see grapefruits taped to his chest. Dumbledore was linking arms with Slughorn and gave him a small kiss as he gave him away at the altar. The minister then began to speak;

'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to today to join Hor-' The minister had stopped the ceremony . Not because the mangled Flitwick was now climbing out of the shoebox. Not because Snape had ripped his dress off and ran nude out of the Great Hall in disgust. It was because something had caught the minister's attention at the door of the Great Hall. A cat was standing there on its hind legs and holding a semi-automatic rifle and had a sneaky smirk on its face. The cat yelled out a loud 'miaow' and shot Slughorn right in the heart. The crowd screamed.

'Sluggy Poo!' Filch screamed and ran over to the dead Potions Master and began to stroke his hair. 'You crazy cat! What have you done? Wait! Mrs Norris?

The cat smiled again and made another loud 'miaow'. It began to approach Filch and began to transform. Now there wasn't a cat standing there, there was a young boy. Justin Finch-Fletchly to be more exact.

'You!' Filch screeched. 'You're an animagis! I thought you were a female?'

'No!' Justin shouted. 'You son of a bitch just happened to name me Mrs Norris!'

'But I just thought, you know, the lack of, um… sausage?' Filch stared at Justin.

'If you really have to know, I'm a transsexual! I used to be called Justine.' Justin looked half embarrassed, half angry and began getting closer to Filch.

'You shem! You took the life of my partner. Why?!' Filch asked.

'I was jealous.' Justin looked up at the ceiling dreamingly and began to spoke again. 'You spent so much time with that over-sized walrus that you forgot about me. You even forgot that yesterday was my birthday! Every birthday for 14 years you took me out to that lovely Gay Bar that Dumbledore told us about, but now…' Justin began to cry.

'I don't care about your stupid problems, you killed Sluggy! Now, I will get revenge.' Filch picked up a burning candle and approached Justin, angrier than ever. 'You little bit-' As Filch began to approach Justin, he stood on Slughorn's corpse. Now his leg was stuck, and he was beginning to sink. 'Help! Someone throw me a stick!' Filch struggled and struggled and then managed to get his other foot stuck in his dead obese boyfriend. 'Crap!' He began to sink and sink and eventually, Slughorn's fat had gobbled him up.

'Well,' Harry said. 'At least they'll be together forever.' Harry smiled and looked around to see the rest of the guests were laughing at the fact that the groom had just sank into the other groom.

'Hey Justin!' Cried Mundungus. 'Wanna go out?'

'Oh whatever! Let's go!' Justin exclaimed.

And then all the guests simply said, 'Here we go again!'

THE END


End file.
